victoria.

2009-12-09T14:09:00.001+08:00

hey! still working out the whole blogging thing but for now i'm at:
http://thenuttythoughtsofvic.tumblr.com/
see ya ;)

2009-12-07T14:55:00.001+08:00

alright, i tired to make a comment thingy but failed. so, i've moved my tag box up and increased the word limit to my tag box tags/comments.
would really like a comment thing though. have been playing around with blogger and not been doing my eassy...
tmr's the last day to do it.
crunch time

read bottom post if you don't understand what i'm talking about.

2009-12-07T12:17:00.003+08:00

i have one cold right hand and one warm left hand
i'm all decked out in a pair of toe socks, wool socks over those, a shirt, a sweater, a vest, a rayon scarf, track pants - warm ones.
my nose isn't cold yet.
the wind's howling...
and i'm delaying (procrastinating) my 10 page CYC essay, which i really shouldn't because its due this coming tuesday.
i'm sitting here in my room, on the floor, with the laptop on my lap, typing, with katie's guitar by my side.
(looks up and breathes out)
i'm starting at the ceiling...
yesterday charlie aka charlieissocoollike made my day with his duet with himself
but today... (breath in and out) i'm just trying to do everything but the essay.
i just need an excuse. a person to talk to. i want to go back to nanaimo. heck i want to go back to singapore! where all my friends are. where family is.
it was so funny when my mum was telling my dad when i was on the phone "then she should come back and go to NUS la" wow. if only she knew what he said when he was here at art's place.

i'm seriously ranting about nothing. i'm going on and on... passing the time. hoping the phone'll ring or something. "RING!!!" just kidding...i didn't even laugh...(rolls eyes to self)
i'm staring at this long box which should have been sent... a few months ago.
january, febuary, april, may.. oh i missed out march. march. so that's 4 more months.
4 times 30, 120 days. hours? 120 times... 24, 2880 hours. (ughhhh)

why is it so different. why! ah. (pulls hair and makes it messy)
haha its so funny i put a note on my shef which is right above my table and when i look at it its at eye level. and it reads:
TODAY 5/12/09
1. FINISH CYC ESSAY! do it!
2. Study BIO. you need to compile
3. Talk to Josh tonight
with a huge smiley face at the bottom.
well we know that one's not done! from reading the top if you've lasted that long. and definitely two is out because one wasn't done (hey it rhymes, ah) and number three was delayed till this morning so not a completely unsuccessful list. could have done way better though.

(strokes guitar strings of guitar)
i really need to get my own guitar... probably get a cheaper one because i'm still kind of sucky. i've been practicing everyday so that's awesome. my left hand fingers all hurt so that's a sign. calluses, hard skin, mmm... need to work on strumming patterns. waiting for julian to send me a video that he's making for me, guitar shi fu haha. i'm just imagining saying shi fu in the ang moh accent. shi fu, with no intonation. well i'll be waiting. looking forward to it. (woo! ho..oo...sorry julian, just totally rambling right now...)

why do i even have this blog. i really know who reads it, well maybe a few but honestly, i don't know. and its weird. but i guess its something i can use to 'hone my typing skills' and 'type faster' like my ESSAY... i'm just putt ting it of fff... why can't i just do it. too much on my mind or something... i don't think so... well maybe. maybe. i've just got a lot to say, always... ALWAYS. or at least i try and think of something to just keep going and going and going and going and going.......and going and go...okay. hmm what if i started blogging again every other day instead of just when i feel like it, that would be interesting wouldn't it. its already interesting enough looking back into my past posts and seeing the difference in style over the years, over the months maybe? but its just amazing how things change... this is probably the only thing making sense now... that i'm typing this...

one thing about blogs though is that when you know that people are reading and you know these people who are reading you kind of think twice about what you write. unless you obviously don't care of course, but have you ever wanted to blog about something so bad but you couldn't because you know that someone's "watching". i thought it was quite a funny thing to realise because blog's are like an online journal-ish thing. but its public not private. so you're allowing people to see what you think, how you feel, what happened, in a nut-shell: a peak into your life. a window perhaps. and so because you're so "open" there shouldn't be a problem with just saying what you want to say i guess... unless it hurts other people. there's a line between saying whatt you feel and thinking about what someone else might feel. like if you put it out there that you hate this person X, explicitly, and rant on all the bad things about her, its pretty... bad. i think.
its the art of suttlties. but... the problem comes when people think that they're someone being described in a post or when they think that this person is involved in something else etc. etc. etc.

well okay rewind. people's reasons for blogging are so different. sometimes its to get something off they're chest, i do that. sometimes its to complain about things, yeah i do that sometimes. sometimes its to just share something awesome that happened in their lives or a video, a poem, a picture etc. i do that too! and sometimes its just to update the whole world about what's going on in their lives, i guess i've done that too. whatever it is... don't hurt people!

the only real journal i have is the one i keep and write in to God. He's the best you know. He always listens and i can tell him everything. not almost everything, not some things only, but everything. its just awesome. and sometimes, as much as i'd like to say things here, i know i shouldn't, so i write it all down, in my, currently, little black book, which is going to finish soon (new journal!) rants, prayers, talk, thanksgiving, tears, feelings, emotion, blah. i like the word blah. it means nothing. blah blah blah. BLAH. haha (okay i actually did giggle)

"12345678 spots on my face
too much acne to erase" hahaha from charlie's acne song =) haha

alrighty. i think i shall ATTEMPT to start this essay. hopefully. and hey... well if there are people out there... comment? i don't know.

that reminds me, i should redesign my blog skin again. after so long.
should put in a comments tab on the end of each post as well.

oh and one more thing, i like this blog because (i think, i assume) not many people know about it. and i can be stupid and not... perfect. haha... sounds like sucha lame reason but yeah. yeah... what i think is best kept to a few people i think... if there is a few people... what if there were more =o!

alright alright! i know, i'm going conscience. smell ya later, whoever you are.

2009-12-06T03:03:00.001+08:00

Job 9:32-35
"He is not a man like me that I might answer him,
that we might confront each other in court.
If only there were someone to arbitrate between us,
to lay his hand upon us both,
someone to remove God's rod from me,
so that his terror would frighten me no more.
Then I would speak up without fear of him,
but as it now stands with me, I cannot."

there is a someone.

swings, wings and wonderful things.

thought 1: stop procrastinating!
thought 2: huh...
thought 3: why can't i just delay this
thought 4: i need to find somewhere else to play the guitar
thought 5: i want to sit on a swing
thought 6: when is tonight coming... in x hours
thought 7: lazzzzyyyyy
thought 8: okay vic, time to work your magic and get another A for an essay
thought 9: huh...

i have to stop hahaha okay i'll be working on my essay.

2009-11-30T12:13:00.001+08:00

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

2009-11-27T13:38:00.002+08:00

i feel so angry. in tears angry. why can't you just let me do something, why can't you just trust me.
i am already 19. 19. i know what i am doing. i have a brain. i'm not a sheltered ungrateful singaporean. why cant you just see that. why cant you just listen to the things i tell you. for one second. just listen. listen. and trust me. you make me cry so violently. because you don't take the effort to understand me. you're always too busy. that you can't even read my email, the whole thing. and you ask me to email you, that's the best part. i don't like this. i hate myself for talking to you that way, but i just wished you listened to me. and trusted me enough. I am in Canada... and i'm living. I've found my way around. Myself. I do things myself. I don't need someone else to go first then I will go, i can just step out and do it myself. i found a church because i just went to one. people are not things that if i don't have i cant't do anything... i have to stop. i must stop. because it hurts. i love you. but you make me feel all... red inside. and yet, you're all i have. to talk to... home.

2009-11-19T12:27:00.002+08:00

17 days till school ends
27 days till the last exam
38 days to Christmas
it'll happen all in a bam

the first year
not even
close

handling the work load
juggling the life
repression, denial, sublimation even!
thank God that exam's just over.

rain down
because the wind's just... too much.
too cold...
popsicle.

2009-11-06T08:30:00.002+08:00

i've left so much behind...
family, i've left you behind...
and i want to go back
i want to go back.

so badly.

but there's more ahead.
to do, to say, to live.

if only tears and magic fairy dust could just bring you back.
to the place where i do belong.

'i am bound for the promise land' - jars of clay, on jordan's stormy banks i stand

2009-11-02T09:05:00.002+08:00

my fingers on my left hand are like peeling on the tips... plus they hurt. and they're like so hard now... but they hurt. so much for getting used to it haha. learning songs on the guitar is always a awesome thing to do when you're feeling all bleah and you don't want to finish up your formal report which is due on tuesday and to be checked tomorrow... (man...)
i've been working on it... just was taking a break after abt.. 3 hours... i've got 2 pages left (as opposed to 8 pages more if i was starting from scratch)
i wonder what'll happen if i plaster my finger tips... see if it will hurt less.

i really need to start getting creative again. feel so lost without my paints, my papers, my material, glue, sisors, ribbon, boxes, felt, markers, cloth and whatever art material i have...at home... and i've just lost inspiration to do things... school work (big ugh) probably if i have a reason i can get so into it, but there's nothing so far, not now... have to start doing random things for people again hahaha
my "just because" chocolate stint in JC. loved that!
creative juices... FLOW!

halloween was an interesting holiday to observe. literally. talk about eye openong experiences.

alright back to the report

i cant believe i have to wait a month for my leeland cd to arrive cuz hmv has to import it... but the good thing i guess is i dont have to pay for the importing price =) just the cd.

this is an emergency...

2009-11-01T23:46:00.002+08:00

how much of your soul are you selling/giving to the world
looks like the devil's winning
the laughter of a boy and girl in the morning
after a night of drunkness, costumes followed by a awesome hangover
its easy to lose yourself
but it was a simple choice

its not fun waiting
its not fun anticipating
its just *shrugs shoulders* not fun

tears of the saints
for the lost and unsaved
we're crying for them come back home
we're crying for them come back home

this is an emergency.

2009-10-29T12:56:00.002+08:00

i wish
you were here.

i wish i could tell you all the things i wanted to say
right now, when they happen, where they happen
what happened

i wish it was
back to normal again
whatever normal is
i don't even know

i wish i didn't feel this way

its a id-ego struggle

if only if only

=) remembering the good times always feels better than thinking about now.

2009-10-20T13:15:00.002+08:00

its amazing how much more you learn about yourself as you grow... older?
how about just as you grow, day by day.
looking back to the past, looking ahead to the future, dealing with the present.
and all that jazz inbetween.
its interesting.

Alexander II has been an awesome companion! =D (aka. Katie's guitar)
have been playing and practiving everyday, at the start or end of the day.
its been awesome =), my fingers hurt but who cares..

wow...
self-awareness is really kicking in for me in so many areas in my life right now...
in everything i do and say.
its amazing what university does to you.
i don't think i've ever talked so much to myself in my whole life...
or realised so many things for that fact.

as far as experience goes, its been an interesting one so far.

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

2009-10-13T23:48:00.001+08:00

there is no beauty in the silence.

2009-10-13T08:04:00.002+08:00

"the answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind
the answer is blowin' in the wind." - bob dylan

if only the wind could speak of stories near and far.

sorrow, happiness, joy, love, tears - all swept away and carried by the wind

the wind blows to where it chooses
and where is chooses no one knows

cold wind rustles the trees here outside my window
i wonder what they its trying to tell me

to stay in?

and hear the electric guitar shredding below

to do my work early to relax for the upcoming week

to prepare for the rainy week ahead

to warn me of what's the come

where winds blow strong and wild

winter's coming. november's coming.

another month.

and my foot is numb.

something's gonna come.

2009-10-09T07:19:00.002+08:00

its amazing how you think about so many things while studying in a cafeteria.

i love studying in the centre caf. its the best. its got the buzz, i can talk to myself and say something to make me remember and no one cares because they're eating. i observe people too... i hear and listen to people... (occasionally picking out a singaporean accent here and there amazingly, picked up a thai one once in the caf across where i was sitting)

the psyc 100B exam was so good. i studied for it, prepared... felt so great. but im kinda loosing steam and i've got like my psyc 100A exam this friday... tomorrow... MORNING... argh.
feeling so lazy right now. but im half motivated. HALF. i really hope i get my act together tonight.

today at bio study group... you know what i wont even go there. it was good... but... big BUT...

(takes a deep breath of air)

youth culture has been on my mind recently. its... sad... its... annoying me.
i feel like my ears are hurting everytime i hear the word "f***" more than what... 10 times in a day. 10's like an under estimate i'd say, its a good day if its between 10 and 20. i have never (in my entire life) heard people talk about sex so much and so openly.
this is just conversation, haven't haven't moved into practice.
i know that i'm not going to assimilate into the culture. i am not going to try and fit in.
but that doesn't mean that i cant be part of the youth.

i'm just talking abt it like real quickly... because i've got psyc to study...

but its just.. ah..

God must be crying every night to see the youth in this state.

2009-10-03T14:50:00.000+08:00

the more you love someone the more you want to kill them...

i so know that feeling...

i wish i didnt feel it...

because i really love them... or rather her... or them... them all...

i wish i wasnt so... annoyed and irritated.

let me be... but i want you to be here too... but i want you to let me be.

deep breath.

2009-09-26T13:51:00.002+08:00

i am just so compelled to post again =)

i love the love that people have here. but i wouldn't generalise and say people... what i mean i guess is i love the love that sean and rachel have for each other. they're a young (but not so) married couple in church.

they're so cute. and they're so... God loving. and they love each other so much.
displaying public affection is not a "pai-seh" thing either.
they really love each other =)...
looking at them makes me go.. aww..

i've only met Sean today anyway.
they're so cute...

like he sharing honestly about his relationship and all at the gathering.
in the presence of his wife haha

its just so honest.

and they have a humble abode. their place is so nice. and they're like really in this together. rach is still looking for a job and still praying for it. sean's working, and i think its full time ministry. and its really just... living by faith ya know. and... God's really awesomely provided for them. and they are content. they're living =)

its not the strive to have a big house, a big car, to get loads of money, to get a bigger house, to satisfy one's needs first. its really just.. living. they've got God, they've got each other. and its just.. (sigh) another wow thing...

i don't know if i'm bringing anything across but... its just different. refreshing.

canada is just.. different. and im seeing it. the differences. the people. really. its not the 'snap your fingers and get things done now' or chasing goals and doing things in shorter and shorter time, like making money etc. etc. its really about community. its really about people and not self. its about being open, honest. its like a family. its slow because material is not something that worth a lot to chase. yeah

im learning, im living. i'm smiling =)

2009-09-26T13:33:00.002+08:00

i cannot wait to do things again, to serve, to be invovled in youth ministry again
i cannot CANNOT wait!!!
i'm so excited. i'm just so excited.
tonight was the most amazing and meaningful gathering ever.

we look at God's word, we shared our lives, what we thought.
what we've been through in our lives. thinking about His word and trying to figure it out and not just go "oh so its like this, alright i'll just abide by it". like... wow you know.. wow. just sitting there, taking time to think, to understand God's word, to have community help you.

and what blew me away were the different opinions everyone had to share. it all sounds so abstract but it was everyone's opinion and it all made sense in the end. there's no 'pai-seh-ness' about sharing and then trying to think whether someone's going to shoot you down or try to override your opinion or no one would want to hear your opinion. its just... everyone just shares. no matter where you are in your walk of life. you just share.

and just praying for one another was amazing. it really was =)

and tonight i realise how much enthusiasm i have for the youth. like really. just being a part of their lives, to stir something you know. to see them be passionate for God. for He's truely what we all should be wanting and giving all the praise. To be thankful. to be living it out for Him. wow. you know wow. and i found myself right at the beginning again. just talking about how i want to help, bringing new ideas.

they've got about 13 actively coming youth. that's not a lot to me because of where i come from. but they're there and they love God :) its time to stir up something. to work with the few, and eventually bring the good news to people out there. to start from humble beginnings. to learn to serve in the walls of the church before going out there.

its really... amazing. i still think it is. that now i'm here. and thank God that now i can be part of something so small and raw. and... just be part of the building process if i can. just... thank God for me being so enthusiastic haha really... i really couldn't stop sharing with Sean about how i was missing the sec 1s back home, the experiences back home in the youth ministry.

its time to be a part of God's awesome plans in this church =) its time to step out and do something. now, more than ever, is the time.

community, love, service. and most of all, pointing it all to God in the end.

2009-09-25T05:50:00.002+08:00

In A Cave

I fell into a cave
a big one
a huge one
and i'm still falling

i'm still falling
and i'm looking around
vines!
my chance of survival

i grab one
a nice thick one
surely i know i can climb
upwards outwards

clinging onto a vine
it's growing thinner each second
slipping slipping
but still gripping tightly

too tight and it may break
too lose and i may fall
let go?
and keep falling, falling

falling.

2009-09-24T11:42:00.002+08:00

living and experiencing are awesome things... they really are!

thanks to facebook you get a peek at other people's lives by looking at pictures, reading comments etc. etc.

i admit that i love browsing through pictures of my friends and like to see what's been happening in their lives =)

and in my head i get all kinds of reactions:
"aww... so cute =)"
"what...the..."
"tsk, i wish i was there too"
"HAHAHAHA!" or "hahaha"
"that... is... not right..."
"why?"
"wow..."
"so not fair..."
so on... and so forth... not anything extravagant.

i could sit here all day...

2009-09-15T13:18:00.003+08:00

i miss you guys...

a lot.

too much.

the innocent fun back in singapore.
the community, the ease of everything.

then again i grew up with it, i'm used to IT.

(deep sigh) i miss you guys. a lot... too much.

rugby, singing, school, oneyouth, family...

i miss you guys. really.

2009-09-11T11:37:00.002+08:00

dont you just wish people sometimes went back to the way they were?
the way they used to be?
or the way that... they were actually happy being themselves?

i do.

but people change. why?
do you ever wonder what pivitol point in their lives caused the change?
how they went off the innocent-pure-happy road into an artificial happy one?
how they just kept going down that road... not looking back,
but as they go further they want to go back...but its getting harder?

i do.

but... people change.
and that's... life.
people change when they realise that they have to or they want to. and then they do.
socital pressures etc. what-have-you
people. change.

and that's that.

2009-09-09T04:11:00.001+08:00

its hard...

its hard.

to be in this... alone.

couped up in a room...
retreating in a familiar place rather than the unknown world outside.

help.

2009-09-07T12:21:00.002+08:00

i feel... weird.

i'm excited... but i feel weird still.

i just moved into my new room, it looks awesome haha. moved all my stuff in, unpacked and all. there's stuff happening tomorrow and the next day...

its hard. it still is.

i feel like i dont really fit in. that's the honest most honest thing i'd say i'm feeling right now...

i'm neither here nor there. not really a full fledged asian, niether a canadian at heart.

i must say this is really awkward. its the asian blood kicking in... the awkwardness of being in a new place... trying to make new friends... who you want to be comfortable with in an instant...

people here are friendly... EVERYONE HERE IS... yeah...

i can so imagine people just telling me to just open up and everything and i totally agree... and im trying to. but its not as easy as it seems.

funny how a social creature falls into such awkward and shy moments...

i pray that i make nice friends...

2009-08-15T20:42:00.002+08:00

love is hard work.
it really is.
its about supporting one another.
being there when someone needs you the most.
to be selfless.

its good hard work i'd say =)
you help each other
strengthen each other
go through the crappy stuff together
and after that its just awesome! (when one or the other comes through)

i guess that's where the expression 'hard love' came about

Jesus loved us so much He died for us. same old story.
he washed his disciples feet
he taught his disciples again and again (even if they didn't get it)
he stuck with them even if they didn't
he cared for others, even if they didn't deserve it
he loved. he loved. no matter what. a-ma-zing or what!

i guess we're all still learning to love and love well
if you aren't i am
towards all people
towards your loved ones =)

selfless
sincere

love